


it's what I bleed for

by Akane21



Category: Naruto
Genre: M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-24 02:11:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15620223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akane21/pseuds/Akane21
Summary: Hidan might be a thousand fucking times better than this Uzumaki brat; and yet Kakuzu only ever looks at him with disgust and hatred.And there's nothing Hidan can do about it.





	it's what I bleed for

**Author's Note:**

> because rare pairings need more love and I need more suffering.  
> not sorry <3

“Are you still alive?” Kakuzu asks.

As if he’s displeased, gravely disappointed that his annoying partner isn’t affected at all by the fact that his head’s cut off. He must’ve hoped Hidan would finally die. Hidan grins –  _hope all you want, asshole, you won’t get rid of me that easily._

“Fuck yes I am, so hurry up there and stitch my fucking head back on!”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Kakuzu says, irritated.

He still comes up to Hidan, lifts his head by the hair, ignoring all the complaints, and gets to work.  
Hidan curses under his breath; despite his immortality, he just hates this kind of pain.

Kakuzu tells him to shut up, and this isn’t surprising at all, though annoying – but when he’s finished, he does something completely unlike his usual self.

“You alright?” he asks in a somewhat friendly tone – it’s unexpected, and it gets stranger as he runs his fingers along the fresh stitches on Hidan’s neck as if checking whether everything’s fine.

Hidans leans into this brief, almost accidental caress, closing his eyes. Somebody caring about it him is not what he’s used to – especially Kakuzu who rarely ever expresses any emotion – but it’s also strangely pleasant.

Hidan’s too exhausted after the fight, this must be it – he’d never think about anything like this in a normal condition.

And he certainly wouldn’t take notice of how Kakuzu smells – fresh blood, bitterish scent of cigarettes and something else he can’t quite make out – but it’s nice.

 _What the fuck_ , Hidan repeats to himself, why the fuck is he thinking of Kakuzu as someone different from an annoying greedy motherfucker the fucking Leader paired him up with for some reason.

But, well, he is.

And these thoughts sure as hell aren’t fucking normal.

“What is it?” Kakuzu asks, hostility clear in his voice.

“Nothing, fuck off,” Hidan snarls back angrily – though he’s mostly angry at himself. “Get this shit over with already.”

Kakuzu chuckles and stands up, stepping away from him immediately.

Hidan wanted just that, but he’s angry again for some reason.

 

It’s surprising how just one small detail could make Hidan look at his asshole of a partner differently – and see something normal, human – even if still annoying.

Attracting, at the same time – and it makes Hidan rush into fights with doubled effort, taking all the blows; just to hold back an amused grin later, listening to Kakuzu scolding him for another failure as he heals his wounds or stitches his limbs – his head, mostly – back on. It’s strange, but Hidan sometimes feels that Kakuzu is worried about him – but it’s stupid, why would he. They hate and constantly annoy each other; they’d be happy if they never had to see each again, especially do missions together.

But for some reason unbeknownst to him, Hidan keeps tying to attract Kakuzu’s attention however he can – and sometimes he succeeds.

Even though this attention is usually just another meaningless attempt to kill him, one that leads nowhere.

But it still is _attention_.

And Hidan could say that their relationship is slowly becoming less tense; the attempts to kill each other less serious, more like an entertainment (one of the few they have when there are no enemies around); mutual insults become more like friendly conversations – somewhat weird, but what else could he expect–

And perhaps, Hidan sees too much in these trivial things, perceiving half of them wrongly and completely making up the meaning of the other half.

And he’s mistaken.

  
Because soon  _he_  appears.

Uzumaki Naruto.

_These damn two words, embodying what Hidan hates more than anything in this world._

Or, well – he doesn’t  _appear_. Some time later, Hidan realizes that Uzumaki has always been; before Hidan, before everything, and from the start, he destroyed all hopes for  _something_.

_Even if in reality, there was nothing to hope for._

 

Right now more than ever Hidan wants to stop feeling anything altogether.

He barely maintains an indifferent expression as Kakuzu, no sign of doubt in his eyes, steps in between him and the jinchuuriki, shielding the brat. And Hidan knows somehow – he’s ready to fight to the end, even if Hidan attacks now, Kakuzu won’t back down. That fucking stubborn bastard.

The kid looks out over Kakuzu’s shoulder – so scared and pathetic despite all his attempts to appear otherwise; and Hidan grimaces, disgusted –  _is this fucking brat really what Kakuzu wants to protect so badly?_

“Are you fucking mad?” Hidan asks, faking the cheerfulness in his voice. “It’s the jinchuuriki that Leader wants. What are you messing with him for?”

“None of your business,” and Hidan would agree, because really – it’s not his business, he doesn’t give a fuck – but for some reason he can’t stop.

“I bet Pein will be so fuckin’ happy when he knows...” Hidan doesn’t finish – Kakuzu grabs his throat, squeezing so hard he’s close to breaking it – and it’s so funny, because it seems to be his favorite argument in all their fights. Seriously, he always does that.

_Not that Hidan minds; there’s something in it._

“He won’t know... because you won’t tell him,” Kakuzu says slowly, with a sensible threat. “Just saying... nobody will stop me from ripping your head off, burying it somewhere and showing your body to the Leader – perhaps we came across some cunning opponents who took your head with them and the body alone is useless. Maybe my next partner will be more cooperative.”

“You wouldn’t do that,” Hidan isn’t scared – it’s a different feeling, disbelief, confusion – something like resentment.

_Do I really mean so little to you?_

“Why wouldn’t I?” Kakuzu wonders, his voice so soft, almost sweet – and yet so furious; Hidan never heard him speak like that.

“Because I’m your fucking partner?” Hidan tries to unclench the fingers gripping his neck, but to no avail, “fuck, let me go already!”

“I’ve killed all my partners. Try again.”

Hidan suppresses a hysterical laugh – not that it’s a joke, but it does sound kinda funny.

Maybe Kakuzu did kill all his partners – but none of them stood close to Hidan, Kakuzu can’t kill him – and if they fight to the death, there’s no telling who’ll win.

Hidan is sure he has all the chances; he’s immortal, and he knows all of Kakuzu’s tricks.

Judging by the look in Kakuzu’s eyes, he understands this possibility as well, and still he doesn’t back down.

Hidan stares at him, confused –  _fuck, are you really ready to die for him?_

 _Yes_  – Kakuzu’s look doesn’t leave room for interpretation.

 _Asshole_ , Hidan hisses to himself,  _fucking son of a bitch, you’ve really lost your mind_  – and he doesn’t understand why it affects him so much. When has he ever given a fuck about Akatsuki and their goals? Never. And he shouldn’t give a fuck now, it’s not his business if Kakuzu wants to have fun with the jinchuuriki, he doesn’t  _give a fuck._

But Kakuzu is really getting out of his way to protect the brat – too much for simply wanting to have fun.

But – Hidan doesn’t give a fuck.

No.

He  _does_.

And again, he can’t understand himself.

He doesn’t understand why, when Kakuzu lets him go, he doesn’t attack and walks away instead, leaving these two alone.

As if – giving up.

 

“What did you even see in this kid?” Hidan wonders later, genuinely perplexed.

Leaving unsaid _– I’m much better, because fuck, is it not so? Don’t you see it?_

Kakuzu responds with tensed silence and a familiar look  _‘fuck off-it’s none of your business’_ , and Hidan feels anger rise up inside him.

“Or no, wait – it’s cause no one else would want that ugly face of yours? Am I right?” and his own laughter scratches his throat from inside before breaking off.

Kakuzu squeezes his throat, not letting him breathe, but Hidan still wants to laugh – who cares if he’s suffocating, he won’t die anyway, and now – Kakuzu’s touching him, no matter the way and the reason.

“Shut up,” Kakuzu says clearly, looking into his eyes, clearly irritated, “one more word – and you’ll regret it.”

When he lets go of him, throwing him to the ground, Hidan doesn’t move for a long while, running his fingers along the stinging marks on his neck, trying to memorize the feeling.

Hidan doesn’t need tenderness – but he wants Kakuzu to be his alone.

Unconditionally, completely – his.

_Forever._

 

Unable to achieve that, he returns to his usual ways.

Hurt, mock, try to get his attention – no matter how. Everything in Hidan makes Kakuzu want to kill him or at least punch – which means to touch him; and each time he does that, be it strangling him, breaking his bones or shoving his face into the wall, scraping the skin – each time it happens makes Hidan feel alive.

So wrongly, painfully –  _wanted_.

“My patience isn’t infinite,” Kakuzu states calmly as he steps close to Hidan, practically leaning over him.

He’s not so much taller, actually; but he has that strangely attractive power, self-confidence, and Hidan likes that – likes so much it makes his insides twist in painful longing, and he has to try his hardest to stay calm – he shouldn’t lose his head on a mission.

_Lose his head. Oh, the fucking irony._

“And what are you gonna do?” Hidan licks his lips, tilting his head slightly – an obvious hint which Kakuzu reads easily.

Reads – and ignores it completely, as if he didn’t even notice. He only frowns a bit, and Hidan wants to hit him for this irritated, annoyed look.

And simply  _wants_  him.

_Wants to push him on the floor or against the wall, tear off this fucking mask, kiss him until no air is left in their lungs, until their lips bleed, fuck him – or the other way around, it’s all good for Hidan – if it’s Kakuzu._

But no matter how strong is this crazy desire, he can’t even touch him.

 

Somehow, this brainless and loud jinchuuriki, this little brat who knows nothing about life – somehow he’s still better than Hidan. So much better that Kakuzu changes around him, forgetting his usual hostility, kisses his hands, hugs him and does other corny stuff.

The way Kakuzu says his name – this hoarse and breathy  _‘Naruto’_  – it’s more emotional than anything Hidan has ever heard from him.

Just seeing all this makes Hidan want to throw up, but he’s still watching them each time Kakuzu goes to meet the brat again – and again, and again.

Hidan follows him down the streets, trying to stay unnoticed, and later – watches them through the hotel window, not really knowing why.

It’s as if he cuts himself up, pouring salt into the open wounds; but this isn’t even close enough to what he feels looking at them.

Kakuzu looks at jinchuuriki as if he’s the best thing in this whole fucking world.

What’s there that attracts him so much; he’s just a regular guy, pretty, sure – but not more than that; and Hidan is just as good-looking.

Kakuzu doesn’t seem to think so, though.

 _Uzumaki smiles, kisses Kakuzu gently, lovingly – even Hidan can see that – and he says something stupid like how happy he is just being near Kakuzu; and Hidan remembers what_ he _usually says._

_Bastard, fucking asshole, I’m so fucking sick of you – more out of habit than to actually get under his skin._

_What, is this all about nice words?_

_Fuck, Hidan could say all that and more –_

_But nobody needs it except for himself._

 

How dare these motherfuckers be happy, Hidan thinks, scratches the wall until his fingers bleed; but this pain doesn’t distract him from another feeling, constricting deep inside his chest, never going away.

He should kill them – Uzumaki, at least.

And to be honest, there’s nothing difficult in tracking down the jinchuuriki and dealing with him – he’s not a match for Hidan, this arrogant weak little wretch. It’ll be over in just one blow.

But each time, something stops Hidan.

Kakuzu smiles only when he looks at that brat – and this smile is so sincere and sickeningly happy.

All Hidan gets are rare annoyed glances.

This feeling is almost close to pain – phantom, not physical, Hidan isn’t supposed to feel anything like it at all – and it’s unpleasant.

Disgusting.

An irresistible desire to die – which is a blasphemy, a fucking sin, Hidan can’t die and he shouldn’t want to.

He tries to pray, but no matter how many times he calls for Jashin, it doesn’t help, just like anything else.

If Hidan could just rip out his own heart to make these strange, insane feelings go away – but it doesn’t work, it only gets worse each day.

 

“Fuck, why do you cling to him so hard?” Hidan hisses angrily, starting another argument the moment Kakuzu comes back –  _and who’s delaying us now_ , he wants to say.

Kakuzu doesn’t even look at him.

“Shut up. You won’t understand.”

Oh, Hidan understands – better than Kakuzu might think.

When you crave someone to want you, to need you – it’s so painfully familiar, this pathetic weakness.

One question Hidan could never find an answer to – why doesn’t Kakuzu give a fuck about him?

Fucking jinchuuriki doesn’t deserve him, isn’t worthy of him – Hidan hates losing, especially in something so irrational like feelings.

Hidan might be a thousand fucking times better; but Kakuzu doesn’t want him.

Fuck, maybe he only likes teens. He might be a fucking pedophile for all Hidan knows.

Even if he is – it doesn’t make Hidan feel any better.

 

“Did you fucking forget we’re supposed to capture the jinchuuriki, not fuck them?” Hidan spits.

“You won’t tell anyone. And you will not harm Naruto.” This time, Kakuzu looks at him – and fuck, if it was possible to kill with just one glance, Hidan would be a pile of ashes now.

And this  _‘Naruto’_  – fuck, Hidan could swear that Kakuzu’s voice gets softer and somewhat dreamy when he says this name.

“Even if I won’t tell anyone,” Hidan wants to grab him by the shoulders, even reaches out – but lowers his hands when faced with a menacing glare. “Pein isn’t dumb, he’ll suspect something and then he’ll fucking kill you.”

“It’ll only make you happier,” Kakuzu says, irritated. “What’s with this sudden altruism?”

No altruism, egoism at its worst, because Hidan really doesn’t want to let Kakuzu die because of his own stupidity, doesn’t want to lose him  _(even though Kakuzu isn’t his anyway)._

The best option is to simply kill Uzumaki, but each Hidan is about to do that, he remembers how Kakuzu smiled –  _not at him_  – and just can’t.

He won’t see this smile ever again.

And Kakuzu won’t forgive him the death of his favorite jinchuuriki.

_Fuck._

This is pure madness – Hidan knows, no matter how hard he’s trying to convince himself otherwise, if Pein or whoever else knows and Hidan has to choose his side – he will stand back to back with Kakuzu, as always; the part of his soul that doesn’t belong to Jashin is Kakuzu’s forever – and it will never change.

Hidan says none of it out loud. There’s no need to.

Kakuzu must know it anyway – and that’s probably why he still hasn’t gotten rid of him despite all his promises.

_Or maybe – but that’s a stupid thing to hope for – he cares about Hidan._

 

“I’ll kill him, you hear me? I’ll fucking kill this asshole, sacrifice him to Jashin-sama!” Hidan doesn’t even try to hide the desperation in his voice as he shouts these words – how else can he make Kakuzu react to him.

The reaction follows immediately – Kakuzu grabs his neck, pushes him against the wall.

Hidan gasps for air, clutches at the hand squeezing his throat – he can’t break free, but he doesn’t really want to.

Kakuzu looks at him with annoyance and slight confusion – Hidan doesn’t care, simply enjoying this twisted intimacy.

If he was mortal, he’d already be dead.

“What, is there nothing you can do, old man?” Hidan grins.

“Are you trying to provoke me?” Kakuzu asks calmly. “Do you want to lose you head again so badly?”

 _I’ve actually lost it long ago_ , Hidan thinks, laughs hoarsely, strokes Kakuzu’s palm, noticing him shudder in disgust – and it  _almost_  hurts, but he’s not gonna stop.

When will they ever be so close to each other again.

Kakuzu’s skin is rough from all the never-ending fighting, dry and so hot; his hands – strong and firm, with faint yet obvious scent of his fucking cigarettes; and Hidan would give anything for him to touch him without the intent to kill or shut him up.

 _For him to hold Hidan close and never let him go, to kiss him, rough and passionately – that’s probably how it must feel; and even though Hidan hates all that lovey-dovey stuff, he wouldn’t mind him kissing his hands, too – if it’s Kakuzu, he’s alright with everything._  
_Even with being killed by him – even though it’s impossible._

“What the hell is wrong with you,” Kakuzu’s look is clearly frustrated, mad even. “Get it together already.”

And he lets go, letting Hidan slump to the ground – he can’t stand on his feet, maybe due to lack of oxygen, maybe due to lack of brain – fuck, really, what the fuck is wrong with him.

Hidan bites his lip so hard it bleeds, trying to avoid making eye contact with Kakuzu.

_How don’t you see, how don’t you fucking get it, I’m–_

He gets everything, Hidan thinks angrily, he just doesn’t give a fuck, as always.

Hidan wants to just tell him to go fuck himself – as always – but it won’t do anything.

Hidan thinks he just can’t love Kakuzu more than he does now.

So hopelessly, desperately – and hate him just as much.

Why can’t he just get this bastard out of his head.

Disgusted with himself and his stupid drama, Hidan thinks he’s gone completely crazy, and maybe it’s not that far from truth.

 

This is some sick obsession, fucking addiction – and he can’t seem to get rid of it.

And Hidan understands that he’s nothing more than a hopeless idiot.

Nobody needs his feelings; there’s no place for them in his world, and Hidan tries to destroy them, tear them out from his heart – the only way he knows how.

Insults, mockery, turning their previously somewhat neutral relationship to hatred, hatred and even more hatred – but Hidan’s love only seems to burn stronger from this hatred.

_Love._

What childish nonsense.

Hidan doesn’t believe something like this could happen to him, and to the end, he tries to convince himself it’s a simple infatuation, physical attraction – hell, when was the last time he fucked someone?

That must be it. Nothing more.

But if it were so, Hidan wouldn’t give a shit who Kakuzu is fucking; but for some reason, he does.

Oh, he  _does_  – when he sees Uzumaki tangle his fingers in Kakuzu’s long hair – why is he even allowed to; when he sees them hugging each other tightly when they meet – they don’t even say anything, and Hidan could swear he sees fucking  _sparks_  fly around them.

All this should belong to Hidan; and Uzumaki shouldn’t even exist.

His own stupid jealousy annoys him, pisses him off – and Hidan starts a fight again, provoking Kakuzu –  _notice me-touch me_  – and he finds some perverse kind of relief in it.

“I fucking hate you,” he repeats again – he wants to say ‘love’ instead, but it’s stupid and won’t lead him anywhere.

And ‘hate’ at least awakens anger in return.

It’s  _something_.

Hidan won’t get anything more.

“So do I,” Kakuzu says, his voice devoid of any emotion.

Hidan forces a grin that probably looks more like a grimace of someone who’s dying in agony.

He could pretend that ‘so do I’ is a reply to a completely different phrase; but he’s not that crazy for this yet.

 

This time there’s no hint of care or concern in what Kakuzu’s doing; as if all his tenderness is wasted on that damn Uzumaki. Hidan winces painfully as he stitches his head back in place, holding him by the hair. It’s so obvious he doesn’t want to touch him another time; and Hidan wants to scream and grab him by the throat himself, punch him,  _kill him_  – but all his attempts are bound to fail before he even thinks of that.

“Done,” Kakuzu says, getting up – doesn’t even bother to check the fresh stitches.  
Hidan touches his neck – and fuck, it’s more than alright, he can’t even complain about anything; though when did he ever need a reason for another fight.

“Don’t just sit there, we have to go – Leader won’t wait for us.”

And this is the longest sentence Hidan’s heard from him in the last month.

He’d tell him to fuck off and just stay here – maybe that’d piss him off enough to do something; but Hidan knows Kakuzu well enough to know it won’t work. He’ll just drag him along silently, not wasting his breath on insults.

Hidan can’t understand what he’d done to deserve such indifference – at least before Kakuzu cared for him a bit.

Well, ignoring an annoying factor  _is_  an effective strategy, but Hidan doesn’t like it, he wants to be noticed – no matter how.

 

They continue walking in silence, and it starts to get on his nerves quite soon – Hidan hates silence, hates being ignored as if he’s not worthy of even a couple words; so he does the first thing that comes to mind.

“Hey,” he reaches out to touch Kakuzu’s shoulder – an unthinkable insolence for him.  
Kakuzu reacts in an instant, turns around, ready to attack – and exhales as he sees it’s just Hidan.

_Just Hidan._

“What do you want?”

There’s pure hatred mixed with disgust in Kakuzu’s eyes – and this is the moment when Hidan finally understands he’s lost. Even if he brings the jinchuuriki brat to Pein or tears him apart himself, nothing will change.

The way Kakuzu looks at him will never change.

The best Hidan can expect is to be torn to pieces and buried somewhere like Kakuzu threatened before; and not that Hidan gives a fuck about his threats... but still.

The realization feels so heavy and hot inside his chest, and his eyes sting – it’s anger, Hidan repeats to himself, it doesn’t hurt at all.

It’s hatred – getting stronger from this gaze, tearing him apart from inside, not letting him breathe –  _hatred_ , what else.

Maybe – his wounded pride.

_Even though he’s the one to blame for wasting all his chances._

“Nothing.”

“Then stop wasting time,” Kakuzu scoffs.

Hidan forces another fake grin and spits his usual insults, barely even hearing his own words.

Maybe there’ll be another fight, maybe not.

It doesn’t matter.

Whatever he does – nothing will change.


End file.
